Are You Smarter Than a "Social Media Influencer?"

Institutionalized Dumber and Dumber

Back in the antiquated days of 2007, a television show burst upon the scene with the provocative title, Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? By and large, the adults who competed proved that they weren’t. Which really says something, considering that today’s 5th graders aren’t exactly well educated.

The popular program was hosted by comedian Jeff Foxworthy, who achieved notoriety through his “You might be a redneck if…” jokes. Foxworthy, like many a comedian smarter or not smarter than a 5th grader, recognized that there was gold in gently ridiculing the intelligence, habits, and appearance of “rednecks.” After all, to be a redneck, you have to be White. And devoid of fantastic riches. So they’re fair game. And with the culture effectively banning comedy routines directed at any other group, where else are you going to go? Just imagine what would have been the reaction if Foxworthy tried, “You might be a ghetto rat….” or “You might be an illegal….”

But the point of the show was to demonstrate, as if it needed more demonstrating, that American adults are woefully ignorant. This goes back to Steve Allen’s “Man on the street” segments over sixty years ago. Jay Leno used it, and alternative media icon Mark Dice has made it into an art form. He goes out on the ocean front in southern California, and gets mostly Whites, from mostly wealthy families, to reveal just how unknowledgeable they are. In one case, he asked a bunch of them what they thought of President Kennedy recently dying in a car accident. Almost all of them accepted this without batting an eye. Like others before him, he gets Americans to sign petitions to take away the First Amendment and the like.

Remember, even though it seems like yesterday, that in 2007 Americans overall were more intelligent and informed than they are now. And they still were usually not as smart as the ill educated and uneducated average 5th grader. This show competed with the likes of Donald Trump’s mind-expanding The Apprentice reality show, and Deal or No Deal, hosted by germaphobe Howie Mandel. Both had their punchlines, which made it easier for the dumbed down audience to enjoy them. They waited breathlessly for the future president to growl, “You’re fired!” They cackled with glee as some contestant, undoubtedly not smarter than a 5th grader, turned down $200,000 by shouting, “No deal, Howie!”

So by the time the internet started creating social media stars, especially on YouTube, the country was ready and waiting. They’d proven their total lack of class, and their uncultured, uncouth, and barely educated selves were ripe for the picking. In 2016, one Danielle Bregoli incomprehensibly became famous by uttering the immortal line, “Cash me outside.” She eventually devolved further into the alleged rapper Bhad Bhabie. Between hip-hop and texting, it’s a wonder than modern Americans can spell anything correctly. But proper grammar is racist, anyhow, according to the experts. She has reportedly earned over $50 million through her incredible talents.

Most of Bhad Bhabie’s income is derived from OnlyFans, perhaps the most absurd of all the social media platforms. Not only “sex workers,” but regular women as well, sell “content” on OnlyFans to subscribers who are seemingly the descendants of those who made Jim and Tammy Baker rich. The girls can be marginally attractive, and show no nudity, and still make lots of money. Basically, the same girls who sneer at the typical Incel, can force him to pay to look at them. Nice “work” if you can get it. The total unknowns, with few subscribers, can still make around $200 a month. Which is nice pocket change for simply batting your eyes and looking pretty.

Just a few days ago, a twenty one year old “twitch influencer” named Kai Cenat, who has more than 20 million followers, caused a bit of an uproar when he urged his fans to come to Union Square Park in Manhattan. He promised them some gaming swag, and that was enough to get them rioting. The rioters threw things, and even stole plates of food from outside dining patrons. The “most subscribed Twitch streamer of all time” is described as, “an American live streamer and YouTuber who is best known for his live streams on Twitch and his comedy-based content posted on YouTube.” So he isn’t even a rapper. How do you possibly get 20 million followers from that?

On Instagram, someone called Hudabeauty (aka Huda Kattan) has almost 47 million followers. Well, what does she do to attract such a following? She is a “makeup artist and blogger.” She also has her own cosmetics line. I’m guessing she blogs about different things than I do. A “cooking influencer,” one nusr_et, is a chef who has accumulated 35.6 million followers. That’s almost as ridiculous as when Prince changed his name to some unpronounceable hieroglyphic. “Entrepreneur and poker enthusiast” Blizerian has over 32 million followers. Six year old Eva Diana has over 73 million YouTube followers. From her Ukrainian home, she got over 1billion views for her video, “Diana and her Barbie car- Camping Adventure.”

What leaps out at you is the startling lack of any discernable talent amongst these “influencers.” Or impressive skills. At anything. Well, I guess if Kim Kardashian’s little sister can become a billionaire, anything is possible in America 2.0. In the old days of America 1.0, I would often make fun of all the lame entertainers, and question how they had possibly become so big. Dick Clark was always at the top of my list. No acting, singing, dancing, or comedic talent, but one of the biggest names in the entertainment industry. How does that happen if you’re not any kind of entertainer? But Dick Clark is Louis Armstrong, Cary Grant, and John Lennon all rolled up in one, compared to any leading “social medial influencer.”

When I first heard about something going “viral” online, I began investigating this phenomenon. In the early 2000s, there was a kid that my daughter (along with millions of others) loved, whose sole gimmick was sucking from a helium filled balloon and talking in the resulting funny voice. You know, like countless non-”influencers” have done at family parties for decades. I think he later parlayed that into some kind of Nickelodeon show. It’s amazing there isn’t some kind of super farting “influencer” out there, with millions of adoring fans. Maybe there is- I am certainly not up on these things. Perhaps I’ve given some enterprising reader an idea. If some farting “influencer” is out there, the world is your oyster. It’s America 2.0. Your time to shine.

Dick Clark was one thing. But today, there are loads of “celebrities” who have the same basic skillset he did. Oprah? A billionaire from hosting a talk show that consisted largely of her saying, “You go, girl!” to her enraptured White female audience? Kim Kardashian? She doesn't even have Paris Hilton-level acting or singing ability. She has a really big ass, and she has somehow marketed that well enough to make not just her, but her whole incredibly dumb and talentless family very wealthy. She inexplicably has staying power, unlike fellow untalented peers like the performer Psy (with an act that was predicated upon the reality that he couldn’t sing), who shockingly came from one of the wealthiest families in South Korea.

My good friend John Barbour has been called the Godfather of reality television. His show Real People was the first to recognize that average men and women can be more interesting and even fascinating than the rich and famous. But when the slew of new reality shows flooded the market forty years later, with Survivor, Big Brother, Biggest Loser, Fear Factor, and so many others, the effect was to further dumb down an already barely literate public. We got to see one time stars, long forgotten, who had gained enough weight in the ensuing decades to quality for Celebrity Fit Club. Others whose fame had faded were featured on Celebrity Wife Swap, which I admit sometimes attracted me like a train wreck does.

In the old days, when someone became famous in show biz, many attributed it to family connections or the casting couch. After all, they were competing with tons of others, who were just as good looking and talented. How do you choose between 500 girls in bikinis, whose job will be to yell, “Duck, Magnum, duck?” We know how the Harvey Weinsteins of the worlds made their selections. But the “Cash me outside” girl and certainly six year old Eva Diana, didn’t sleep their way to the top. I’ve seen too many “viral” videos which don’t impress me at all. There is nothing in them to suggest why they went viral. I know why the Beatles went “viral” sixty years ago. I felt it at six years old, hearing I Want to Hold Your Hand for the first time.

But there isn’t that kind of visceral connection possible with some young teenager, as uneducated as the average girl her age, spouting off with a nonsensical expression like “Cash me outside.” And just what could six year old Eva Diana be doing that is entertaining enough to attract all those adults? How well can any chef cook? More importantly, how well can any chef talk about cooking? The poker guy I can somewhat understand. When ESPN began televising poker tournaments, and I knew too many people who were enthralled by them, I realized that somehow, someway, people are entertained by watching poker games. It’s a spectator non-sport.

I used to wonder about food critics. Talk about a job that anyone can do! You go to a restaurant, and they pay you to write about the food. Sure, you have to jazz it up a bit with unnecessary impressive wording, but it’s a pretty great gig. Just how do you qualify over all the others, who clearly could do the “job” just as well? So I guess it’s natural then for “celebrity chefs” to become in vogue, with a bunch of identical “reality” cooking shows. But you must be a good yeller. Put on your bully personality. Americans love to watch people be bullied, even novice cooks who dare to step inside a “celebrity” chef’s kitchen.

There’s a reason why we are increasingly entertained by stupidity onscreen. The funniest characters are those like Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin, whose stupidity is almost a super power. The audience, which has grown so stupid itself, what with their inability to compete with just as stupid 5th graders, enjoys watching characters who are dumber than they could ever hope to be. The likes of Gomer Pyle and Jethro Bodine are rocket scientists in comparison to the stars of the average fart-fueled comedy. Potty humor is not only featured, but celebrated. Beloved by the public. Farting, vomiting, urinating onscreen are now featured fare. I have said for years that it will come down to close up bowel movements onscreen. The audiences will love it!

In the great Mike Judge film Idiocracy, the only movie available to the public was simply titled Ass. It just featured a nonstop image of an ass being scratched. Needless to say, it was a male ass. Otherwise, the audience might not laugh, not even in that world. If you think we’re that far from an Ass movie being made today, you aren’t paying attention. The biggest hit show in Idiocracy was the uplifting Ow my Balls! If you ever sat through America’s Funniest Home Videos, you know just how similar the “plot” lines were. Audiences rolling in laughter at even a grade school boy getting struck in the groin.

Now, I admit to being bitter about America’s Funniest Home Videos. When my son was about four years old or so, he was utterly obsessed with the show Jeopardy. I don’t think he understood any of the questions or answers, but he would watch it with me, and just started humming the theme song continuously. So I videotaped him doing this, for a good solid fifteen minutes, while he walked back and forth in an almost trancelike state. Now, I thought this would be perfect for the show. Naturally, they never replied. It might have been different if he’d been hit in his crotch. But they probably still would have considered the humming to have been a “distraction.”

So, there was my pre-internet attempt to make something go “viral” that certainly seemed like it should. I’m sure the “Cash me outside” girl could have helped me figure it out, only she wasn’t born yet. I communicated with one of the writers for America’s Funniest Home Videos later, while writing Bullyocracy; Trace Beaulieu, who is probably best known for playing Dr. Clayton Forrest on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Beaulieu grew to hate the emphasis on physical injury on the show, and was appreciative of my stance on bullying. I included our exchange in Bullyocracy.

To truly construct an America 2.0, you need not only monumental incompetence at all levels, and leaders whose taste for tyranny seems insatiable. You need the ass of Kim Kardashian. You need an endless supply of indistinguishable rappers, “rapping” out their awful advice to impressionable youngsters. You need movies with no resolution, and whispering dialogue. You need mindless McFiction, to keep women at the beach distracted. You need rigged sports, with “stars” even dumber than the fans. You need a corrupt marketplace with no competition. You need career politicians who are carefully selected from the worst we have to offer.

The online “influencers” fit very comfortably into this ugly mix. Reminding us all that fame has nothing to do with anything special that the famous one possesses. Anyone can do it- if you can figure out how. I couldn’t make my interview with Ron Paul go “viral.” I’ve wracked my brain for a catch phrase as stupid as “Cash me outside.” I guess I’m just not talented enough. So hats off to the rappers, and the pretentious whispering actors. And most of all, to the “influencers,” who are influencing an already distracted public to further ignore what’s behind the curtain. Bread and circuses, they called it. P.T. Barnum would love America 2.0.