Cherry Blossoms in the Swamp

A day in the nation's capital

Whenever I spend most of the day outside anywhere now, it’s a rare occasion. Yesterday, my wife prevailed upon me to accompany her to view the cherry blossoms in Washington, D.C. We’ve done it before. I don’t find it to be much fun, but she thinks it’s really special. I like to make her happy, and keep the peace.

We hired an uber, and the traffic going into D.C. was as bad as I’ve ever seen it. With all the vaccinated people who’ve died over the past few years, you’d think crowds would be thinning out. Judging by what I observe most of the time, it’s hard to believe that the death rate has skyrocketed so shockingly. There are days that I see very little traffic, but most stores and restaurants are packed when I go there. I’m not seeing anything reflective of an unprecedented rise in death rates, at least in my area. But again, I admittedly don’t venture out into the wilds of America 2.0 very often.

If you’ve ever driven through the streets of the nation’s capital, you know just how irrationally it’s all laid out. Damn that Pierre L’Enfant! Today, the pedestrians were out in full force, like an invasion of the body snatchers. Traffic was barely moving. So we had him drop us off blocks from where we could begin our tour of the cherry blossoms. It’s impossible to park in D.C. without getting a ticket. At least it was for me, back in the days before our glorious subway system debuted. I once got a ticket after parking where a cop told me to park, at the Lincoln Memorial Easter sunrise service. That didn’t seem like a very holy thing for law enforcement to do.

The people were packed like sardines on all the footpaths. Stopping continuously to take pictures and videos. Progress was difficult. I felt like a crucial reform trying to circumvent all the walls of bureaucracy. One positive thing was that the crowd was far more attractive than any I’ve seen in many years. A startlingly low number of overweight people were present. I guess the approximate eight mile walk kept them away. If Walmart would have been there to provide them with go-carts, things would have been a lot uglier. There was even a bit of girl watching to do. Yes, I’m still calling them girls. It was refreshing, and brought back memories of America 1.0.

One thing I’ve noticed in the past, at political rallies or other events on the mall, is the inexcusable lack of rest rooms for the public. We could have opted to wait in a line that was longer than you’d have seen at a Rolling Stones concert in the 1970s, at the Martin Luther King memorial, but that was about it for the entire eight mile stretch. If only we paid incredibly high taxes, then we might be able to have nice things like clean rest rooms for visitors to the nation’s capital. I bet Ukraine doesn’t have to deal with that stuff. Posing with the Jefferson Memorial in the background was a natural thing for me to do. For those who don’t know, I revere Thomas Jefferson.

We were shouted at by a typically aggressive D.C. employee, who was zealous about when and where you crossed one of D.C.’s maddeningly disorganized streets. At least she cared about something. I’m guessing we’re paying her really well for doing that, and she probably has a lucrative pension that most of the taxpayers funding it don’t have. There was a heavy police presence everywhere. Presumably, there wasn’t a heavy police presence in the high crime areas like the southeast part of the city. I’m sure it’s easier to yell at White people and tourists than it is to do something about the open air drug dealing and violent gangs. You want to live to collect that pension.

The Air and Space Museum is closed for renovations. Judging by the speed of most of these projects, my guess is that it will reopen by 2030. The last time I visited the American History museum, I wound up complaining about the lack of exhibits, particularly really old exhibits. I’m renowned for my complaining. I just think it’s more historically compelling to look at George Washington’s tent, for instance, than to see the chair Archie Bunker sat in. Who knows? Maybe they now display a pair of Kim Kardashian’s well stretched out panties. History evolves.

I wonder if the National Zoo has finished their Elephant House yet? I think it was an ongoing thing for a decade or so. In the meantime, they got rid of their hippos. Can you believe that? The National Zoo with no hippos? Now that is an outrage. And yes, I complained plenty about that. Also about the fact almost no animals were visible for the public to see. What good is a zoo if you can’t see the animals? They’ll probably ban zoos anyhow, like they did the circuses. Animal abuse. They care a lot more about the abuse of animals than they do about the abuse of human beings. Now all we’re left with is the Circus Soleil, which is basically for gays and women. Or gender fluids.

It was a beautiful day. I don’t enjoy being a curmudgeon, but these kinds of situations bring it out of me. So much stupidity on display. Usually with a huge dose of ugliness and obesity. Now that aspect was thankfully missing today, probably due to the huge influx of tourists, who don’t enjoy super-sizing things quite as much as ‘Murricans do. But they do take a lot of pictures. While blocking the way of others and being oblivious to that. So they’re hardly perfect. Just slimmer than most of our beloved fellow citizens. D.C. still has much older architecture to recommend it. And lots of history. Just way too many people, especially on days like this.

Now it’s pretty obvious whose idea it was for us to go to the cherry blossom festival. And it was pretty obvious, looking at all the couples from around the world on the mall, just which one of them had decided this would be a fun experience. Like so many other similar things, weathering a huge crowd to look at some pretty trees is something exclusive to the feminine mind. Well, probably the gay mind as well. And certainly the fifty seven varieties of transgender mind. I feel confident there weren’t many husbands badgering their wives over this. But the hopelessly old fashioned male heterosexual mind would never do this without a woman to push him.

While many hopelessly old fashioned heterosexual men love to travel, many don’t. I’ve met about two females in my lifetime who didn’t love to travel. The tourism industry is built around what appeals to women. I’m not sure why that is, but it’s an indelible fact of life. Well, was a fact of life. With the transgender craze, it’s becoming increasingly unclear exactly what a woman is. Even an illustrious Supreme Court justice couldn’t define it. So maybe the travel industry will just be dominated by The Humans Formerly Known as Women.

After our adventure was over, we stopped at the Holocaust Museum to use the bathroom. That’s because we don’t pay enough taxes for the nation’s capital to have plenty of public restrooms available. Have I mentioned that? At any rate, that’s the only time I’ve ever been in the Holocaust Museum, which really should be in Israel. They have a ridiculous level of security, where you have to hand over your purse, backpack, or in my case, cell phone. Then they run it over a conveyer belt, and you get it right back. They do that at the county courtroom, too. It makes you feel safe. And proud to be an American, living in America 2.0.

When we tried to get an uber for the ride home, at first the cost was going to be $43, which spiked from the $28 it cost us to ride into D.C. We figured, okay, they’re taking advantage of a situation with a bit of good old American price gouging. But then it quickly said “something went wrong,” and when we tried again, the cost was now $80. That’s some excellent chrony capitalism for you there. So we weren’t going to be extorted like that, and decided to take the Metro home. We walked two blocks to the nearest subway stop, and found it just as packed with people as every other inch of D.C. was. And so we prepared for another luxurious wait.

Finally, we arrived by the tracks. At first, it said our line was four minutes away. Cool. It stayed at four minutes for at least fifteen minutes, and then they changed the status to “Delay.” Well, nothing else works in the capital of America 2.0, so why should this? The delay lasted a predictably long time. The crowd, of course, kept growing. Eventually we were able to board a train, and actually got a seat. I was shocked it only stopped for no apparent reason a few times. That’s a feature of our sterling Metro system. Along with delays and malfunctions, the trains just stop here or there. It’s a Greatest Country in the World thing, you wouldn’t understand.

I had plenty of time to people watch during the long ride home. I couldn’t help but notice a girl (there goes that forbidden term again) standing in front of me. While everyone else was holding onto the overhead hand bars, she just clutched her luggage handle, with her other hand thrust in her pocket. Big strong males needed to hold onto the hand bars, but not her. If you’ve been on a subway, you know how they lurch. So it seemed kind of physically impossible to do what she was doing, but she did it. And didn’t even take a seat when a few opened up. My guess is she had absorbed Hollywood propaganda to such an extent that she believes she’s a superhero.

The uber driver on the way home, like the one who took us to D.C., was some kind of immigrant. Every uber driver I’ve ever had has been some kind of an immigrant. I guess they don’t let Americans do this kind of work. Maybe they’re only doing the jobs Americans won’t do. Since most taxi drivers have long been immigrants, it makes you wonder. Is this a skill that native born Americans don’t possess? Like selling carpet? The industry that is absolutely dominated by Iranians? I am puzzled by the lack of American born workers I see anywhere now. Exactly where do American citizens work? Maybe reparations will open up the job market.

Our home team, formerly known as the Washington Redskins, has the most popular fight song in professional sports. But you can’t sing it any more, because the title is Hail to the Redskins. Hail to the Commodores? Just doesn’t have that ring to it. It was a seemingly insignificant caving in to political correctness, but indicative of the state our collapsing country is in. When no public figure can summon up the courage to blast the changing of a traditional sports name that is objectionable to no one, and actually was in honor of bravery and fighting spirit, you know why they won’t condemn the open borders or the systemic corruption everywhere.

Washington, D.C. could be a beautiful city. But it’s run by blithering idiots. In that regard, it’s not too different than any other part of America 2.0, but it is the capital. I’m curious as to what all those tourists thought of D.C. I can’t believe they were impressed. As my friend, the great actor Nick Mancuso once told me, when you’re in Paris, you know you’re in a First World city. When you’re in Washington, D.C., you know you’re in the world’s wealthiest Banana Republic. It’s embarrassing to have a capital city so poorly laid out and incompetently run. Featuring a zoo with no hippos.

As far as capital cities go, D.C. has to rank pretty low on the world’s totem pole. No more classic architecture. Once compelling Smithsonian museums supplanted by a Holocaust Museum that has nothing to do with America, and politically correct museums like the Native American museum. I chaperoned my daughter’s fifth grade field trip there, and the kids did nothing but complain. For good reason. Almost no exhibits, and lots and lots of pointless stairs. You know I love some good complaining. I used to love the National Portrait Gallery and the National Gallery of Art, but they’re probably filled with Japanese anime or something by now. Or maybe the works of great artists like George W. Bush and Hunter Biden.

But despite the crowds, and the traffic, the cherry blossoms were beautiful. A bit redundant, since all the trees pretty much look the same. But beautiful nonetheless. It’s cool to see the Jefferson Memorial. I stayed away from the tyrant Lincoln’s memorial, however. Can’t be seen supporting him. The national mall is a lovely place. Too bad such a potentially wonderful city is ruled by very unlovely people. Amid all the criminality and incompetence, for at least one day, my wife got me to stop and smell the cherry blossoms.